All too often it is late at night when my mind will often seem to come to life with thoughts, ideas, and dreams. I have never considered myself to be a night owl since I am indeed currently quite fatigued, but my mind often likes to fight with my body. I don’t consider myself a great writer or someone who necessarily intends to change the world with words. However, I intend to use my life in the service of my Lord and to do whatever it is that is His will for me. It is sometimes hard to give to Him my dreams and hopes but I know that it is best. Lately, I have struggled trying to find a clear direction from Him. Sometimes I feel that I know the way I should go, but by the next day I am unsure and think that it might be another way entirely.
There are times where I wish I could just run into a wood and just sit under a tree and think while beneath its branches. But, I live where there are no trees much or woods which make me long for them even more. My Georgia roots run deep in me although I consider myself a Texan for the most part. But, I still frequently catch myself telling others that my life did not start out here on the plains but instead in an entirely different place. However, I have reached the decision that I am a bit of an oddity anyway, so what does it matter if I have strange desires to run and twirl in vast open fields full of flowers or sit under a tall tree and think “deep” thoughts.
I praise the Lord though for His work in my life. I often will be sitting in my car at a red light or just sitting waiting for a class to start and just wonder in amazement at why He chose me, little me, to be His child. I know the blackness of my heart and what evil thoughts often come into my mind and heart that I have to fight daily. And to think, to think, that I am His child! It is more wonderful for me to hardly grasp sometimes. So, no, I do not wish to think aimlessly as those who were part of the romanticism era who often were seen staring off into the distance supposedly thinking “deep” thoughts. There are such lovelier and amazing things to think and I so often lose sight of them as I try so hard to complete assignments, keep commitments, and do that which I know is expected of me. But, when I really stop and think about it, all of those things I work so hard to do are absolutely empty compared to the glory and love of my God and King!
I was recently warned as I was discussing my hopes for continuing my education into graduate school that I needed to be careful because getting trapped in a world of academia can indeed be an empty way to live life. This same dear one reminded me that the most important thing after my Lord should be the relationships in my life, not how much I know about French, how well I can analyze a piece of literature, or even hopefully teach someone how to speak this lovely language I am ever so passionate about. I cannot really explain why the Lord gave me such a love for French. It doesn’t really seem to make a lot of sense, but the Lord always has a purpose for everything and it is only through Him that I even have the knowledge to understand it and be able to do well. But, I hope so much to use it as He would desire me to use it.
Well, as it is late and I am quickly running out of steam, I will try to tell my brain to calm down and let me sleep.